My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..