I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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groan^2
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
BRAKING NEWS!!
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?