I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
A leaf blower, but for people.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*