A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
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this is the news I live for
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
The Birdles
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend