date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
You Might Also Like
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
A classic…
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
This is Sparta
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.