I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
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My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”