I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
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I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
had to make it
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.