@zachreinert03: I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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@chuchugoogoo: idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
@JordanPeele: I've been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she "can't survive on dry land."
@lilgapeach30: Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put u and I together. Me: It's perfect the way it is with N and O together.
@NikatNiteNite: Just once I'd like someone to call me "ma'am" without having to add "you need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave"