@zachreinert03: I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@badbanana: "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye." Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
@KyleMcDowell86: [Elephant at a party] Nice piano! [me] thanks [Elephant] What are the keys made of? [Me] Uhh.. [Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
@jordan_stratton: COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take. ME: You mean, don't take? COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
@man_spach: Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL'd at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools' jokes.