everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
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“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*offers Batman cough drops*
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.