@Mr_Dizzystick: I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
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@iwearaonesie: "you yelled 'this is not my daddy!' when i picked you up to leave the store. you're lucky i let you live" -how dad signs my birthday cards
@scott_towel: When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn't have toilet paper with aloe.
@armyVet1972: Boss: Can you look this up? Me: (munching on donut) Internet's closed. Boss: Oh. Me: Yeah, I think they're vacuuming it or something.
@Awk0Tacoo: I just found out that there's a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*