I only eat vegetarians.
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my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
i hate you platonically
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.