I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
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My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Y’all know who you are.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
gentlemen, hear me out
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots