I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.