I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I feel like one of these would kill a European
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Milk Cube
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore