I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Had to try this trend 😊
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
The glockness monster
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.