I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
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[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.