CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?