I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
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I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
how many bears make up a bear minimum