I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
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Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
how do y’all walk in shallow water
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.