I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.