@Ideal_Victoria: I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
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@HatfieldAnne: “Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We're sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
@PorkUrPine: WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can't you do that ME: I'd love to but I don't know her well enough
@Smooheed: Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I've been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds