I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
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What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes