I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
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Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
My biological clock is wheezing.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
who did the taste test?
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY