I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
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Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.