I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
You Might Also Like
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt