I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
You Might Also Like
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
…..pretty much.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Sorry not sorry.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.