I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
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I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Your honor these allegations are
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”