@AnOrangeSNES: I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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@Brianhopecomedy: Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair.
@pinupteacher: *date leans in* Tell me something I don't know about you. *I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.
@stephenjmolloy: *6 hours of Russian roulette* Me: "I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun."