@AnOrangeSNES: I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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@lovemydogduck: The only times I go for a jog is when there's a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
@StephenAtHome: Trump called Kim Jong Un a "smart cookie." That's crazy -- he reminds me more of a "murderous soft cheese."
@Tmoney68: BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car. Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
@yerpalmildsauce: Me: If that baby won't stop crying I'm walking out & going to another restaurant. Gf: You used to do that too. Me: that was months ago.