I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Meow
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.