@AnOrangeSNES: I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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@d_duhwit: Wife*outside bathroom door*:"I can hear ur keyboard clicking away. U tweeting in there?" Me*pauses knitting*:"Uh, Ya"
@ThaJawn: Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more Me: ok... Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats Me: What? Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up Me: Wait! You're my dog in a lab coat!
@truegritrumble: ME: A bear is just an angry couch. PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear. ME: *snuggling in* No. It's fluffy.
@GrantTanaka: Nietzsche: God is dead God: Nietzsche is dead [they both turn to camera] THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES