@AnOrangeSNES: I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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@kellyoxford: 7yr old "Do women get their periods on weekends too?" Me "Yes" 7yr old mutters to herself "Jesus Christ"
@SteveSackington: Look, all I'm saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
@TheBeerdedOne: Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I'll play mine
@mymumps: [covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices] Professor: "That's just not what I meant when I said "come prepared"..."