I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
You can’t rush stupid.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!