I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Don’t talk down to me
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet