@ilovepie84: I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
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@BoomBoomBetty: A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
@Mr_Kapowski: I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"
@StephenBCramer: Yahoo news reports that Johnny Manziel was forced to sit in the middle seat of an airliner. I guess they should have let him fly the plane.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know how fast you were going? "55?" Cop: Faster. "217." Cop: Um, no, 72. "24?" Cop: I already told y- "Negative 6?" Cop: Get out.