I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings