I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
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saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
some things should go without saying
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”