I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
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may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”