I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
You Might Also Like
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
the council will decide your fate
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.