I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
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My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Natty or not?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.