@NYC_Blonde: I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I'll be used to sharing the bed
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@adult_mom: Start yelling "DON'T FORGET!" when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they're supposed to be remembering
@generaldietz: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you? RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
@Staggfilms: [waxing salon] ME: I need to make a waxing appointment. ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian? ME: No, I don’t need that many.
@juanadog: 911: 911, What's your emergency? Me: It's John again. 911: John, seriously!!! Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.