@NYC_Blonde: I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I'll be used to sharing the bed
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@KevinFarzad: I love how women always smell good, and can complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil. Wait, that's a burrito. I love burritos.
@Carbosly: Baby showers are so weird. It's like "hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system".
@Angibangie: -If I'm wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle. McDonald's worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries...
@OBiiieeee: one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries