I will cook for you
-me, threatening
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this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
How to wake up a Beagle
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
What
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.