@NowYouSeeHer: I only speak Spanish when bill collectors call
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@JElvisWeinstein: The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma.
@BoutCrazed: Hey Febreze, I don't go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
@abbycohenwl: Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery? Me: No, It is
@BigBagOfScum: Waiter, "Welcome to red lobster, I'm your seafood expert." me- "did you know octopuses have a beak?" W-"no" Me- "who's the expert now?"