*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
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Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*