@JermHimselfish: I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they've obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.
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@daemonic3: Mommy, what are these? "Put them back they are sleeping pills!" Oh, then you shouldn't yell "Why?" [whispering] YOU'LL WAKE THEM UP
@tombrodude: tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents' home
@Barack_and_Joe: Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis? *Biden raises hand* Obama: besides assembling the Avengers? *Biden lowers hand*