them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
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jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.