Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
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me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.