@markleggett: I only watch "Game of Thrones" because I'm trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.
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@TheMichaelRock: After shaking someone's hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
@T_Longstreth: [stops girl before she walks in the puddle] "I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back"
@sarcasticmommy4: One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
@DominicStraw: Barber: What would you like today? Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!