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My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Going to church you guys need anything
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
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