This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
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Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Life cycle of cat
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
When a shoelace touches your ankle
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.