@FloodyHippie: I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
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@hipchkk: I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso's Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.
@novicefather: My wife said that if I lose my job, she's divorcing me. So I need suggestions here, people. What are some terminable offenses these days?
@BubblesnBooze: It's funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you're hot. -everyone on Twitter
@reesespiece_: The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)