I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour