@FloodyHippie: I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
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@TheRolo: [Dollar Store Interview] "What are your qualifications?" [Slides over a dollar] "Cashier job is yours" [Slides $2] "Welcome to Management"
@SadPeruna: If by 'the Hamptons' you mean 'my pajamas', then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
@SondraDeeMe: Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety! Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
@AndrewNadeau0: WIFE: How could you spend our money on this? ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.