[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
are there any atheist mantises?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
philosophical skeletons be like
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying