“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while