Important reminders
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*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
bro what is going on at twitter
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.