*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
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I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
A bold strategy
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Attacked by a mop.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?