@lilgapeach30: Guys say "never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn't die" as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.

@yerpalmildsauce: How did you get those horrible burns? *flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

@Mr_Kapowski: Ladies, don't be sad if your thighs begin to start touching You're becoming a mermaid!

@EndhooS: [On a date at a restaurant] So this is nice huh? "Yea,uh, who's that?" *Dad is breathing on the window and writing 'VIRGIN' in the steam*

@gaynorlsimpson: How to stop an unwanted DM. Hi, how are you? Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I'm a psychotic cow, how are you?