@junkyardigan: I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn't. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
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@Just__J0: My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I'm thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
@EliiHenry: *Open up, police!!* "NO YOU'RE GONNA YELL AT ME."
@Phook75: My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever
@qwertying: My wife's idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.
@Coolisiana: *a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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