I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
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I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.