I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
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A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
A little too much information.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that